Being a cat of good taste, I am always on the lookout for opportunities to spend my consumer dollar. I find my proclivities are fed by the artful photos of "Live Nude Cats" and related publications. 
Wisdom from the 1950's is a forgotten heritage we all share. Those were innocent times with only the threat of nuclear war looming. But with nuclear mutations came the real possibility for anal carnage of the naive by the "sick". Degeneracy and abnormality started to flourish (like a pack of sickly vegans spreading their lies) in a time when few were equipped to recognize the danger. Memorize these watchwords: "One never knows when a homosexual is about"
U.S. Senator Barack Obama clinched the democratic nomination for the presidency of the United States today. Obama suffered a decline with voters for his controversial stance on opening talks with the notorious transvestite Amish zombie leader, Yabbi-ta (see Field Report: Signs of the Apocalypse? post). Zombies from every strata of undeadness are supporting Obama for president. The Stay Dead Party nominee, Gov. Chuck Goodrich, staunchly rejects zombie support of any kind in any political contest and had this to say, “People, they are zombies! They eat the brains of good folks like you and me! We must not negotiate with zombies.”
Gov. Goodrich unveiled his Zombie Defense System (ZDS) policy and infrastructure. Said Goodrich, “The ZDS will provide a safety net for families and make America’s cities a hub of urban growth and help strengthen our economy. By electing me, the people elect for the continued existence of children and puppies.”
When asked where the funding will come from to build the ZDS, Gov. Goodrich said, “The entire Zombie Defense System will be funded by the gold teeth repurposed from retired zombies.”
This is Danger the Clown. Like all of us, he enjoys scaring the shit out of small children. No doubt little Timmy here will require years of unsuccessful therapy. Future Timmy will hear voices and hide several dead hookers in strategic locations about his property. Careful little Timmy, that lollipop is laced with horse laxative and Viagra. Danger the Clown was recently hired by Vorpal Sphere to spread humor and good tidings to all by any means necessary. HR lists Danger’s job title as “Humor Enforcement Agent” and for good reason, how much humor enforcement do you think little Timmy can take before he starts drowning his pets? Only Danger knows for sure.
Humor is a universal human condition (much like our oxygen habit) that crosses all cultural boundaries and strata of life. One only needs contextual and mutual understanding of the set-up for the punch line to make sense. I know that is simplistic and very basic, but it holds true. Whether the joke is funny or not is a different matter; unless it is low-brow nonsensical verbal molestation.
I find (depending on how much Mt Dew and ham are in my system) my sense of humor ranges from low-brow, to mid-brow, to high-brow. Now, it may seem like I just threw all sorts of monkey shit against the wall, but I assure you, I am deeper than that. Allow me to prove it.
Some background: I once saw monkeys at the Portland Zoo flinging their poo at people. I laughed and watched for the next hour as the tourists were fecal-assaulted continuously. It was almost like a pie fight from those old movies - one sided of course. I laughed until I almost shit myself – a turtle head was definitely poking. True story.
If I had to provide a formal definition of my humor and humor in general, I would say: I like pussy. Why pussy? To anthropomorphize humor by pointing out easily traumatized and vulnerable pleasure female parts seems knee-slapping funny to me. And no, I'm not on any meds - yet!
Federal officials and zoologists are baffled at the increasing occurrence of the nation’s high school and college students huffing elephant queef. Pictured here are engineering students in their makeshift “atmo-queef” suits getting high.What is elephant queef, or EQ, you ask? When air gets trapped in a vagina and is expelled, it makes a minor flatulent sound. If you have had sex with a female, you may have experienced this phenomenon. Now multiply the volume of the queef by one-hundred and you have an elephant queef.
EQ junkies refuse to tell us how they extract the queef from the elephants, nor do they comment on how the air initially gets into the elephant vaginas to start with. We can only speculate gallons of alcohol, bellows, Spanish fly, a water hose, and a Rube Goldberg type of device is involved.
EQ junkies report immediately after huffing, they feel all tingly, can taste colors, smell what the date is, and shit themselves. Several EQ enthusiasts are working on squelching that last side effect – even though there may be a secondary market for EQ induced feces in China as a “male enhancement” vitamin.
For the benefit of polite society, a rimjob is defined as: The splendid art of enjoying the flavor and scent of your lover’s ass while you greedily lick and taste their brown spider. All this culminates in a total mouth to anus suction and licking frenzy resulting in a thorough cleansing and an anal orgasm for your lover.
During the May Day protests on May 1st, several bands of roving communist midgets reeked havoc on downtown Seattle businesses and residents. They call themselves the “crew” and are notoriously anti-capitalists, anti-Semites, and anti-panty. Local women had their skirts looked up and ankles fondled. Law enforcement attempted to apprehend the diminutive dastards, but came up short.
Hillary Clinton declared victory in the recent Pennsylvania Primary. This intrepid reporter waited patiently at the Hilary Clinton campaign headquarters while campaign staffers celebrated by snorting cocaine off of dead puppies and making prank calls to local pizzerias.
